I’m All Cuffed Up.

by The Window Shopper

Cuffs are something that really grind my gears– and not in the Fifty Shades of Gray kind of way. I’m glad your minds went there though because post Fifty life has become for most of middle america, middle aged housewives and mid-level erotica readers all about the whips, chains and handcuffs. You know, slap a little booty up with my belt– scream help. From time to time some of rap’s greatest invade my soul. A little Luda here, a whole lot of Trina there…

But no, the cuffs that grind my gears are the ones on Katie Holmes and J.Crewsters everywhere. Don’t get me wrong I love them on myself but that’s because I know what the fuck I’m doing. Remember, I’ve been styling for almost a decade, these other “fashion bloggers,” well, ask them the last time they dressed someone who 1. wasn’t themselves and 2. didn’t have the physique of a 12 year old Oriental boy– they probably never have.

But, being that I am such a giver. Here is a little lesson on cuffing.

1. Perfection is in the imperfection. Probably the biggest faux is the equally matched and measured crispy cuff. Ew. I mean really the only people who still match these days are the ones wearing Blurberry shorts, a Blurberry trimmed tee, Blurberry/Kangol hat and Blurberry Air Force Ones. And even though you should strive for a perfectly symmetrical face this doesn’t lend itself to a jeans’ ankle base. And ya know what, in all seriousness you shouldn’t be cuffing shit anyway, in case you haven’t heard, rolling is in. And when you roll your pants, they should be as organic as the granola you eat, as messy as the dreds on your dealer’s head and uneven as Tara Reid’s body post op. Bottom line: Don’t rock a relaxed denim with an uptight roll. Not chic. Sorry Rach, right pant, wrong roll.

2. Length counts. This is super important. Just because the look says “I dont care,” it doesn’t give you carte blanche to not actually fucking care. Clothes should ALWAYS be working for you, so no matter how high or low you roll– make sure you still look your best. Don’t Jessica Simpson your leg when you could Gisele it if you get my point. And if you have cankles, well you may want to just scrap the look all together. Just sayin. A good rule of thumb is that the higher a shoe comes to your ankle, the higher the roll (e.g. ballet flats= low roll, ankle. cage shoe/booties= high roll, calf). Notice how Kim is a double offender- equal rolls with unflattering placement on the leg.

3. Wash matters. Here, I’ll say it again, wash matters. So unless you’re going for 50s proletariat stick with light denim, but steer clear of acid wash all together. Oh and what type of jean you’re rolling matters too. True denim works best- no jeggings, and think straight leg to skinny– no cigarette and certainly no boot cut/wide leg or else you’ll wind up looking like this cloven footed mess right here.

So, how should your rolls look? Well, like any of these… Oh and a little disclaimer on my picks– I only endorse the roll, not the person. Jennifer Aniston- EW. But what did you expect? Did you really think VBecks would be caught dead in a style inspired by the working class? Fuck no.