Sick City Windows

Marriage is not something on my radar– I mean I should really work on a couple dates first, right? But, after a night of Lifetime movies, gossip and Facebook stalking it got me thinking… And that is, if you are going to do something as un-chic as say tie yourself down to one person for the “rest of your life” you might as well look your absolute best as you kiss freedom goodbye. After all, you have a whole e-world just waiting to see your super unique “save the date,” engagement photos, wedding website and Fbook albums, right?

Wrong. Morosely enough, these days all brides look the same. As if its not bad enough that love is blind and engagement rings in your mid 20′s are more pebbles than rocks, it seems that wedding dresses now only come in one shape- tube top a-line princess taffeta. So much for looking unique on your “special” day… What you thought you were the only one?

It beats the fuck out of me why everyone is gunning for the same mediocre look. I know every leading lady wants to feel like a princess at some point or another, but 1. without the crown you’re not a fucking princess and 2. growing up in the 90s didn’t we have our fill with poofy prom dresses? I know I did (despite never having worn one). And besides, don’t women want a mature and sensual dress that fits them specifically? Because in truth despite what you think, NO, tube top princess dresses do not work on every body. So before you become another “insert face here” bride, chow down on a  little food for thought. It’s all you should be eating now anyway.

The Neckline:

Tube tops make broad look even broader. Designed to create definite lines on the female form, they’re great for voluptuous women– but if you’re not, why make your upper body look even more rectangular than it already is? You should really be softening out your silhouette and breaking up the mass of body you’ve got cloaking your otherwise skinny clavicle. Say yes to straps my brides and rejoice- there are plenty of styles to choose from: halter, spaghetti, one shoulder. Scalloped trims make the world of a difference and I promise it will de-Beluga you in the wedding photos. If you don’t have shape, create it. If you have it, flaunt it. But dont you fucking dare slap a tube top on it just because.

The Silhouette:

There has to be a reason why all of these Facebook brides are making the decision to A-line their look and it’s because the style conceals real and/or imagined belly bulge. With a corset bodice that flares at the waist/hips, there’s no way for your new hubby or his ex-girlfriend who just had to be invited, to discern that you couldn’t stay away from any and all caloric intake leading up to your big day. Well kudos on having your best figure interest at heart but your arms still look fat. In other words- don’t sell the rest of your body short or hide from the curves you’ve got. There are plenty of silhouettes that will make the most of your figure, not make the most of it go away. Killer legs, go mullet. Toned back, let it out. Daring diva, plunge the shit out of your neckline. I promise that the person you’re marrying would much rather see you than the cupcake your upper body is sitting atop.

Color is a definite do. I’m always game for a light blush, champagne is always chic and lord knows none of you bitches getting married are virgins. Feathers, for sure. Lace, duh. Ruffles if they cascade like a waterfall. Embellishments, tricky– if your first pick was a tube top princess gown you can’t be trusted, so no. Remember to wear your gown, never let it wear you; and lastly, don’t intentionally fug your bridal party- the pics will be hanging in your hearth (and all over the web) in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live. Or at least until you divorce.

For those of you wondering what my gown will look like. Well, I’d like to think I’ll be in the nude on a remote beach somewhere… Naked is the new dressed, eloping is the new ceremony, and not sharing every intimate detail of your life is the new sharing every intimate detail of your life. Toodles!

*Parks and Recreation