Sick City Windows

“Take commonplace, clean it and polish it.” John Cocteau

Anyone who knows me knows I do not fuck around when it comes to my nails. I’ve been getting them done every two weekes religiously for the past ten years and to me hands are like a second mouth. Nails always have something to say. Mine speak of understated elegance, unrelenting chicness. Yours? From what I’ve seen– not so much.

To a certain degree I get it, standing before rows of color can be quite intimidating. Especially when 15 women are yelling “pik’a colah” at you. Except that it’s really not. That difficult. Out of all the options available, both mainstay and seasonal– there are only a handful meant to be taken seriously. Blue-based reds. Black. Nude. Grey. Blue. Brown. That’s it. No orange. No purple. No green. And never under any circumstance pink. Or yellow. Ever. Neon? What the fuck is neon?

OPI Red/ Black Onyx/ Brooch the Subject/ Gym Dandy/ Russian Navy/ Suzi Loves Cowboy

When it comes to the great debate, OPI vs. essie, there’s an easy solution. OPI for bold primary colors. Essie for pastels, nudes and mauves. OPI can’t get their natural palette down without looking streaky and essie can’t get their primaries opaque enough. Done and Done.

Nails and toes should never match and should always balance one another as an aesthetic whole. E.g. no OPI Red toes with Ski Teal We Drop fingers. They’re great singular colors, but red + teal is a major ‘art deco’ imbalance. Unless you’re wearing this. OPI Red toes with Sand Tropez fingers is an entirely different story though. A major vogue story. I tend to lead with the stronger color on my feet, but that’s because I like for my energy to flow up, not down. And I also have really nice finger nail beds for neutrals. Square with rounded edges only. Not square. Not round. No claws outside the bedroom.

Like Linen/ Sand Tropez/ Dutch Tulips/ You Don’t Know Jacques/ Yogaga/ Chinchilly

Generally speaking ’they say’ go dark for fall and light for spring but I could care less about seasons. Especially when some places don’t have them. To me it’s all about picking colors that are just naturally posh– in addition to complimenting you skin, location and life tone. If you’re of the tan persuasion the nail world is your oyster. Within reason. Pale, not so much. Bold color is your only pearl.

Ambiguous shades are a total deal breaker. Reddish orange– no. Purpleish pink, MOM– fuck no. Stay away from shimmer and only make exceptions for sparkle on New Years never. Nail art– don’t come again?

Color So Hot it Berns/ I Break for Manicures/ Angel Food / Jazz/ Ski Teal We Drop/ Roadhouse Blues

Remember that an esthetician can be your best friend, or my worst fucking enemy. Color, shape, shade– none of that matters unless you’ve found a total perfectionist with over the top OCD tendencies. Someone who files fast, buffs deep and stops at nothing short of painted perfection. She must understand the nail bed and appreciate your cuticle story. The best are at BB. Where you can totally catch my fashion broadcasts. Win, mother fucking win. Your welcome.