“Two things Florida can teach the other 49 states: how to make a good margarita and how to deal with a hurricane.” Tom Feeney
Well well well another of Mother Nature’s minions is headed our way. Mine especially– being in Jersey and all. Or so they keep telling me. And by they I mean my parents and a concerned acquaintance via Facebook chat. Sure I’m just as scared of dying on the 7th floor of a high rise on a cliff in a natural disaster as the next, but I’m also the first looking forward to a 57th street blackout. Bergdorf. Chanel. Louis. YSL. Bring it
Irene Sandy. jk be safe.
“College is for ugly girls who can’t get modeling contracts.” Kelso
Relationships like Ashton and Mila give me total faith that my mid-20′s abstinence will not be in vain. In the words of Jackie Burkhart “you spend a lot more time looking at a person than you do talking to them.” And well I am so fucking tired of looking at ugly guys
on top/under/behind next to me. Sick. And sure, both Ashton and Mila have had their mis-steps– Brittany Murphy RIP. Demi soon enough RIP. Macaulay about to be RIP. (it’s all about Kieran anyway); they’ve inevitably found their way into each others beautiful arms. Which is all that really matters. Male depth is so overrated.
Image courtesy of wiki
“I have a whole army of pajamas.” Heidi Klum
So, my birthday is coming up soon and I’ve been thinking that instead of the $2.6million I was going to ask for–I’ll take a bodyguard instead. For one theres nothing more chic than having at all times at least one person in your entourage willing and paid to take a bullet for you. And I mean, someone to hold your handbag– priceless! If I could be hands free eternally– I’d die. In heaven. Chanelo. Handbags are so tired.
Anyway back to my bodyguard, rather than the burley ex-cop/Marine/Hulk ogres every other
Heidi starlet orders, I’m going international. As in O-ren Ishii’s Gogo Yubari. Blade swing thing and all. I mean, it’s just so unassuming. And obvi I’ll need to learn Japanese, which is so chic anyway– but like after that it will totally just look like I’m drinking/smoking/shopping/spa’ing with my Asian homie. Which is soooooo much better than psychos knowing I’m protected 24-7. Especially lately, having a cray stalker and all. Who– I’m totally sure at some point is going to come try to skin me and wear me. It’s next level obsesh. Though if it ever happens, you’ll know instantaneously so feel free to attack it liberally…
My birthday is in one month and twenty six days. Parents, you know what to do. Other fam. Friends. Lovers. Followers. I’m registered at CVS. xx. Apparently I’m too old for familial health insurance.
Image courtesy of rumorfix.com
“I can recognize a cry for help when I see one.
Hear one.” Never Been Kissed
Those who know me
intimately know I’ve been Lena Dunham/Tiny Furniture/Jemima Kirke’s biggest fan long before any of this Girls slash $3.5 million publishing rights nonsense ever started. And while I do appreciate the show despite it being wayyy trendy, can someone please get these girls a fucking image consultant. publicist. shaman. shirt. before anything like this:
EVER happens again. It’s not just the nudity or the pregnancy or the eating or the belly button or the shower or the toilet, it’s all of it. Call me. I hear your screams for help. Fuck, even Helen Keller does.
Images courtesy of Vice.com, cynicritics.com
“The beef industry has contributed to more American deaths than all the wars of this century, all natural disasters, and all automobile accidents combined.” Neal Barnard
Honestly Gaga, WTF? Don’t you know that animal carcass garb is only acceptable never– or when you yourself are tripping and/or emaciated. Or tripping while emac. Which clearly you are neither of those things. Emaciated or emaciated. I mean I can’t blame the lighting. Or unflattering camera angles. Just good old fashion eating. Sick.
Image courtesy of DailyMail
“I just feel like everyone and their mother thinks they can be an artist. You can’t. Sorry. I know I was born to be one.” Paz de la Huerta
I totally had a ‘chic couple’ post slated for this afternoon but I’m so mother fucking
hungover today. Not. Happening. What is happening though are some jack shots of wisdom from perennial shwastecase Paz:
on rest: “I needed this. This construction worker I’ve been fucking has really been keeping me up late.”
on acting: “It’s a period bush. The series takes place in the 1920s. I’m trying to get into character.”
on fashion: ”Shitty boas are tacky.”
on ghost sex: “…It was like the time I went to Graceland. Elvis’ ghost gave me an orgasm in his recording studio.”
on image: “I want to make it clear to England, I am not a party girl.”
Image courtesy of popbytes.com
“When you’re in middle school and not the cute girl, you’ve got to get your funny chops in order.” Ari Graynor
Oh Ari I love you. Let’s hang out. Like now. You’re totally the next big thing, I’m totally the chicest thing– its perf. For a Good Time, Call… was adorbs. Your jumpsuits so chic I die… And granted 10 Years was terrible, you Babs Handler were amaze. Brunch? Blunt? I dunno. Call
my people me.
Image courtesy of Fanpop