“Intimacy is like putting your wiener on a table and having someone say ‘That looks like a penis… only smaller.’” The Love Guru
It’s been forever since I’ve blogged. I’ve been completely uninspired lately– sometimes the wheels of
my red r8 creativity just don’t turn… Anyway last year I wrote a list of things I’ve learned over the years and I just came across them, which albeit a little trite, are still relevant so I thought I’d share them:
1. Life is too short to be bundled up for so many months out of the year. Live the eternal summer.
2. Never rush. We are where we are where we are.
3. Wash your hands and NEVER touch your face.
4. Forgive people. And not for them but for you; if not you will always dwell in a house of pain.
5. Communication is everything. We have language for a reason.
6. Hug often.
7. Be open minded. Work to overcome inherent judgementality.
8. Never stop learning, growing, laughing, loving.
9. Value the relationships you make above everything. People are all we have in this life.
10. Peanut butter, raisins and honey are good on just about anything.
11. Work hard, because there isn’t shit else to do. i struggle with this but it sounds good on the list
12. In case of emergency breathe deep. drink fast. or call 911. feel it out.
13. Gaucho pants work on nobody.
14. Balance is subjective.
15. Have an identity outside of your family, friends, work and lovers.
16. Death discriminates against no one.
17. Don’t wait; for people. success. happiness.
18. Calling someone ignorant makes you sound like Michael Jackson. and really fucking ignorant.
19. Have a heart. Stress kills.
20. Don’t stand idly in open doorways, arches, steps and passageways. Move out of the way.
21. Push yourself. But sometimes it’s okay not to eat the coconut scorpion braised Argentinian scaled watersnake.
22. Vacation. In sick locations. locations. locations.
23. Treat. yo. self. and if you’re my family treat me too.
24. Turtlenecks are creepy.
25. Love maddeningly deeply.
26. Legalize it already.
“If you have a hunchback throw a little glitter on it and go dancing.” James St. James
The thing with clubs is, they can really suck. But the thing with clubs is, they can also be really affecting. Like Saturday night for example- no line, no crowd, so fun. By the looks of it everyone was either at pier 94, or some all white thing. Which if you ask me, will just never be as chic as an all black thing. White makes everything visible. Especially fat. ugly. and pale; the likes of which black would make appear less fat. less ugly. and less pale. But what do I know, I’m just happy concert kids are
tired the new club kids. meow.
“How come you cock suckers didn’t think of this orgy thing five fucking years ago?”
Yesterday I watched A Good Old Fashioned Orgy and it taught me that friendship means nothing if you can’t have group sex. together. at your father’s Hamptons house. drunk. with Jason Sudekis. Lake Bell. Bill Haverchuck. Valerie Birkhead. and
Billy Walsh Nick Kroll. Om shanti it is.
Image courtesy of imdb.com
.. most upbraid the madness of the visionary…” Virgil
This weekend while I was sick and being dragged head first by
Anna dello Russo Charon through the river of Styx lapped by fire and ice, the only thing that kept me alive were the melodic sounds of indie romance, synchronized dance numbers and Rupert Everett. I’m talking Girls and Boys. Daydream Nation. She’s All That. Wish Upon a Star. Charlie Bartlett. Never Been Kissed. Clueless. Anddd… My Best Friend’s Wedding. There was also some Whitney Cummings, a few roasts and a movie about goats. ish. It’s been a really dark weekend.
Image courtesy of Ramariel
“I can recognize a cry for help when I see one.
Hear one.” Never Been Kissed
Those who know me
intimately know I’ve been Lena Dunham/Tiny Furniture/Jemima Kirke’s biggest fan long before any of this Girls slash $3.5 million publishing rights nonsense ever started. And while I do appreciate the show despite it being wayyy trendy, can someone please get these girls a fucking image consultant. publicist. shaman. shirt. before anything like this:
EVER happens again. It’s not just the nudity or the pregnancy or the eating or the belly button or the shower or the toilet, it’s all of it. Call me. I hear your screams for help. Fuck, even Helen Keller does.
Images courtesy of Vice.com, cynicritics.com
“My mother says I didn’t open my eyes for eight days after I was born, but when I did, the first thing I saw was an engagement ring. I was hooked.” Elizabeth Taylor
This weekend I met up with one of my past life regression therapists to go through some residual issues we’re having. Like entitlement. As it turns out one of my more regal past lives is manifesting itself greater amongst the rest lately. Which, basically means my feelings of grandeur are totally not my fault. Nor my parents. Holler! ish. Living the life of a regular working person while purpley black blood pumps through my veins is just so tired. Sometimes I wish the Romanian executioner in me would do more than just dictate my wardrobe. Looks to kill are chic but really I need more than that. Specifically shoulder dancing slash pinky waving in Rochas on yachts during
yacht week, every week. Like I said, tired. I need a fucking nap.
Image courtesy of eurweb.com
“When you’re in middle school and not the cute girl, you’ve got to get your funny chops in order.” Ari Graynor
Oh Ari I love you. Let’s hang out. Like now. You’re totally the next big thing, I’m totally the chicest thing– its perf. For a Good Time, Call… was adorbs. Your jumpsuits so chic I die… And granted 10 Years was terrible, you Babs Handler were amaze. Brunch? Blunt? I dunno. Call
my people me.
Image courtesy of Fanpop
“It was a GIFT!
With my money you bought it! I bought me the gift!” The First Wives Club
Okay. So women who shop with straight men completely baffle me. I just don’t get it. Why would you do such a horrible thing to another human– let alone yourself? Do you think that men actually care to shop? With you? Is this why you continually drag them into stores– pestering about size and color? I mean you have to know by now they don’t enjoy it. Or maybe you’re blind? Deaf? Dumb?
Maybe, it’s because you think they have valid pearls of fashion wisdom to bestow upon you? yea right. Sister, if your boyfriend is invested emotionally in the black studded Balmain ankle booties you just pre-ordered at Barneys, you may be sharing a whole lot more than your interest in fashion. Men specifically…
If you just want them to pay– ask for the credit card. Save them the pain. Trust.
Image courtesy of imdb.com